Memories and Distractions
by ArouraStar
Summary: Clockwork Princess SPOILERS, click to see timeline, Essentially, Alec needs a distraction from his broken heart and Jem needs to relive his memories. (I don't even know what to call this, Lightstairs? Anyway, m/m don't read if you don't like. Chapter 1 is T, chapter 2 will be M, there may be an epilogue, I don't know yet)
1. Chapter 1

**Set between the time when Jem stops being a Silent Brother, but before he meets up with Tessa on the bridge. **

* * *

Jem stood at the door of the training room soundlessly watching the black haired, blue eyed shadowhunter ferociously chuck the lightweight throwing knives at a target, missing the bulls-eye every time but each sticking deep into the battered wood.

"I can help you with your aim, if you'd like," he offered before he could stop himself. Jem cursed his inability to keep quiet when the man started and turned around, looking angry and embarrassed.

"Brother Zachariah-"

"James Carstairs, everyone calls me Jem." He told the Lightwood. Even "everyone" had dies years ago, he wasn't Brother Zachariah anymore. He was Jem again.

"Sorry, Jem. I appreciate the offer but I'm not really practicing. I just felt like throwing something." He gave a harsh laugh, gravely and full of unspoken pain.

Jem walked closer to him, knowing he should leave instead. Leave Magnus's shadowhunter alone; leave him to his pain. But he couldn't walk away.

"You shouldn't be throwing knives in this state of mind." He said, taking the weapons out of the soft, long-fingered hands and placing them on a workbench.

"And what state is that exactly?" Alec asked, accusatorily. What did Brother Zachariah know about his state of mind?

"I just mean with you and Magnus and everything."

"For Angel's sake! Clary's demented brother is hell-bent on destroying the world with an army of demonic shadowhunters and my brother, my _parabatai,_ is going to explode with angelic fire if he gets too worked up and all anyone is concerned about is me getting dumped by the High Warlock of Brooklyn?! Has anyone considered that I _might_ have a little bit more on my mind than Magnus Fucking Bane?!" Alec could see Broth-Jem flinch at his yelling and knew he shouldn't have snapped at him so harshly, but he really couldn't take much more. All Izzy, Jace and Clary said to him was "I'm sorry about the breakup" or "how are you holding up?" He was absolutely sick of it. How are you supposed to get over a person when all anyone ever does is talk about how great you two were together?

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to assume." Was all the man standing before him had to say in reply. Alec was surprised he hadn't left yet. It was fairly obvious that Alec wanted to be left alone.

"I shouldn't have snapped, I apologize. It's just... There are more important things to think about right now than my love life. Like trying to survive the week." The shadowhunter laughed bitterly again. If it wasn't for Jace and Isabelle, he probably wouldn't even care about that.

"There is nothing more important than love Alexander."

Alec squinted at Jem. He hated anyone using his first name except for Magnus. Besides, what did an ex-Silent Brother know of love? All they knew were secrets.

_Like Magnus_. Alec thought bitterly.

"You don't think I know anything about love?" Jem asked, coming to stand closer to the wide-eyed shadowhunter.

"Did you- can you still read minds?" He asked nervously.

Jem laughed. A sweet laugh.

"No, just faces."

Alec schooled his expression too late, causing Jem to chuckle again.

"I was in love before my, transformation, shall we say?" His eyes shifted towards the floor and his face took on a sad countenance. "Still am really, after all this time. My _parabatai, _I'm sure you've heard his name, William Herondale."

"Magnus's Will?" Alec looked less than pleased at the idea of the man. Jem looked back up at him with a slightly confused expression.

"No. He's been Tessa's Will, and _my _Will, but never Magnus's. They were something like friends, but never held more than a mutual respect and responsibility for each other. Where would you get that idea?"

Alec looked away sheepishly.

"Just something I heard." He mumbled.

"Well you should be more critical of your sources." Jem told him. He thought he might know exactly what source he got that from and was disappointed that someone related, though somewhat distantly, to his _parabatai_ would be so gullible.

"It's against Clave law to be in love with your _parabatai._" Alec said, bring the conversation off of his misinformation.

"It's against Clave law to be in love with another man." Jem countered. Alec shrugged, defeated.

He was curious, despite himself, of where this story was going.

"Did he love you?" Alec surprised himself with the forwardness of his question. Jem just smiled though, as if remembering something funny that Alec wasn't in on.

"He does. I prefer not to engage in the use of past tenses when discussing such things; I like to imagine he's waiting for me somewhere out there, just like I always said I'd wait for him." The obvious pain of the memory wrote itself all over his young face. "He and I were very close, even after I became a Silent Brother, though of course it wasn't the same. I don't know which would have been worse, not becoming a Silent Brother and dying when I was eighteen or having to watch him grow old without me, seeing _him_ die, visiting his grave believing I would be centuries late joining him. I suppose it will only be a century and a half late now..." Jem looked almost happy at the thought of not living an unnaturally long life anymore.

Alec wasn't paying attention to his expression though. His words were swirling around in Alec's mind, pulling at his emotions. He had been on the other side of that question; imagining what it would be like to age and die while the one he loved stayed the same. He'd found the idea that Magnus would still love him when he was old and Magnus was still beautiful preposterous.

Alec put his hands in his pockets, suddenly feeling vulnerable. Still, he had to ask; he had to know.

"How old was he when he died?"

"Seventy six."

That was much older than Alec had been expecting. And yet, Jem still talked about him so fondly.

"Did your feelings change? When you saw him aging?"

"No." Jem answered immediately without needing to think it over. "When I looked at Will I saw the things I loved; just like when he looked at me as a Silent Brother, he still saw the things he loved. When you care about someone that deeply, nothing else matters. Not even time. Or Clave laws."

Alec felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. He sunk to the floor, feeling the need to sit down before his legs gave way.

He was so _stupid_.

And selfish.

Why couldn't he have just trusted that Magnus would feel that way too? Why did he have to go and mess everything up?

He closed his eyes and let his head drop back, knocking it rather roughly against the hard wall. The sharp physical pain barely registered compared to the aching hole that was eating away at him from the inside of his chest.

He felt a warm hand on his knee and opened his eyes to see Jem sitting next to him, looking concerned.

"I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry-"

"No, I asked for it." Alec ran a hand through his messy hair. "After you... became a Silent Brother, did you and Will still..." He let the question trail off, not sure of how to phrase it delicately.

"No. I wasn't even supposed to see him anymore, but Will never really was that good at following the rules. We still had _something_ after that, but it was never like it had been. Besides, he was married. Not that Tessa ever minded, but still, you can see the dilemma."

Alec nodded, trying to wrap his head around the convoluted relationship Jem was alluding to.

"How could you stand that? Watching the man you love spend his life loving someone else? I get jealous of snuff boxes and distant memories, I can't imagine having to see it firsthand. Oh Angel." He buried his face in his hands as the thought struck him that, in the unlikely case he lived through the next week, he would have to watch Magnus move on. He was the High Warlock of Brooklyn, he was the center of gossip. Even if Alec didn't have friends who would no doubt be keeping tabs on the warlock, he was sure to hear about his latest parties and conquests at Taki's or maybe he'd find someone serious to settle down with and Alec would see them at Clave meetings together or walking around Central Park.

His shattered heart beat rapidly in his chest, cutting painfully with each _thump_.

"Don't do this to yourself." Jem pulled Alec into a hug that the younger man didn't realized he needed until he felt the warmth of another body comforting him. He clung to Jem, hiding his face in the ex-Silent Brother's slender shoulder, unable to hold back the tears any longer.

He'd been doing so well too.

Why couldn't he have just been left alone to throw pointy objects and punch things? Why did Jem have to come in here and make him start talking? Start _feeling. _He'd spent every moment since Magnus had walked away from him in that subway station switching between feeling like this, like his heart was being ripped out and he would never be whole again, to feeling absolutely nothing. There was no in between. Of the two, he preferred the nothing.

It was hollow.

Empty.

Painless.

He'd been through plenty of pain in his short life, but nothing like this. This was an injury no _iratze_ could heal.

Jem stroked the boy's back slowly, willing him to calm down. He hadn't meant to start this; he'd just wanted to look at him a bit longer. To see what he was like. And now he wanted to take his pain away.

His stubborn unwillingness to admit he was hurting earlier had reminded Jem so much of Will, and now, in his arms, holding on to Jem for safety and comfort, he was reminded of his past lover again.

He'd interacted with this particular Lightwood before and every time he was left with the same impression that Alexander truly lived up to the meaning of his name; _defender of man._ Or at the very least, defender of family and very close friends, and the friend's close friends and family. He was always playing the role of level headed protector, keeping everyone else on track. The tenacity with which he cared for his siblings was a distinctly Herondale trait and Jem felt the overwhelming urge to continuing holding him until he was done crying, to tell him that it was ok to need others as much as they needed you. He wanted to reassure him that crying didn't make you weak and letting yourself love was never a mistake, even if it ended in this. But he couldn't. It wasn't his place. This wasn't Will.

Instead he simply allowed Alec to cry his fill without remark other than the occasional "it'll be alright," continuing to hold him until the upset shadowhunter felt ready to pull away.

Alec wiped his eyes on the back of his worn sleeve, his cheeks brightening furiously.

"I'm sorry." He said, breath catching a little from the sobbing.

"You have nothing to apologize for." Jem pushed a few wayward strands of hair from Alec's face, tucking them behind his ear. Alec flinched slightly at the contact, despite the fact that he'd just been wrapped in the other man's arms. This simple act was decidedly more intimate. Jem pulled his hand away quickly, realizing he'd overstepped his boundaries unintentionally.

Alec offered a weary, tear soaked smile.

"I remind you of him too, don't I? I've heard we look alike."

It wasn't said to cruelly or angrily, just as a curious nonchalant comment. Still, it caught Jem off guard.

"Yes, you do bare a resemblance. Probably more so in my mind than I reality." He looked away, guiltily.

"It's alright. I don't mind it so much when it's not coming from my boyfriend- _ex boyfriend _I mean." Alec nearly choked on the word. He needed a distraction. Something to take his mind off the searing pain in his chest or the emptiness that would replace it. He needed to feel something else, _anything _else. He needed to do something.

Jem put a reassuring hand on Alec's, flashing him an 'it will get better' smile.

An idea flashed across Alec's brain and he dismissed it almost immediately.

That wouldn't help things.

_He _couldn't.

Jem wouldn't.

But maybe...

"You miss him?"

"Immensely." Jem replied without hesitation.

"And you think about him still?" Alec's heartbeat was rising, his body trying to talk him out of what he was about to attempt.

"All the time. Especially when black haired, blue eyed shadowhunters cross my path." Jem said lightly, hoping he wasn't offending Alec.

On the contrary. It was the response the younger man was hoping for.

They were still sitting very close, Alec was practically already in his lap, just a quick shifting and there he was: straddling the man who used to be brother Zachariah on the floor of the training room about to do something he was likely to regret deeply.

He did it anyway.

Jem breathed in sharply when Alec climbed into his lap, faces inches apart, those impossibly blue eyes staring intensely into his with unknown purpose. He had barely the time to open his mouth to ask what was happening when it was suddenly covered by Alec's. The kiss was hard and needy, like Alec was searching for something in it.

And he was.

Distraction.


	2. Memories

_**Finally **_**got around to updating this. Sorry it took so long but there was school and my other fic and I wanted this to come out a certain way. **

**You should know that I officially suck at one shots and this will either be one more LONG chapter (which I make no promises about when it will be out) or two-three shorter ones. Anyway, hopefully this will satiate you all for a little while. **

**Enjoy! and as always, please review! **

**(Oh and warning: LEMON)**

* * *

**Chapter 2: Memories**

* * *

Alec was expecting to be pushed away at any moment now, but that moment never came. Instead, a hand went to the small of his back, pressing him closer while another tangled itself in his already messy hair adding ferocity, and permission, to the kiss. Alec's own hands found themselves at Jem's face, holding him, making sure this was really happening.

The older man willingly allowed Alec's tongue entrance into his mouth, eagerly tasting that which he'd not had in so long.

Only when one of Alec's hands began to slide down his chest, deftly working the buttons of his shirt, did Jem's rational brain react.

He broke the kiss, placing his hands on Alec's shoulders, pushing him away.

"Stop Alec, we shouldn't be doing this." He said, breathing heavily. There were numerous reasons, the most pressing of which was that Magnus would personally MURDER him if he ever found out what Jem was doing with _his _shadowhunter. Breakup or no, there were some lines that shouldn't be crossed.

"I need a distraction, you need a memory." Alec began matter-of-factly, but his tone shifted into something more earnest, needy. "Please James? I need to feel something else, even for just a moment. You can't tell me you don't want this too."

The way he was being looked at with those eyes and the way his name sounded, it was as if Jem was _in _a memory.

His heart was pounding in his chest, struggling to handle more emotion than he'd felt in a very, _very _long time.

His hands slowly moved down Alec's chest, feeling the muscles through the thin fabric of his tee shirt.

But no, he had to stop. This was still wrong.

"Alec, I can't- I can't use you like this."

"I'm using you too. It's ok." His expression was pleading.

"When I look at you-"

"You don't _have _to see me. I can be whatever you want, _who_ever you want." Alec leaned his face closer and Jem had a momentary lapse of resolve, pulling the young shadowhunter into another kiss, this time slow and languid, savoring every feeling.

Jem pulled back slowly, giving himself a moment with his memories before opening his eyes. The man in his lap looked at him expectantly.

"I'm sorry Alec," he began. Part of him was screaming at him to make a different choice, to let things happen and enjoy them; it was certainly what Alec wanted. But the tiny part of his rational self that was still in control forced that idea out of his mind. This wasn't what Alec _needed_ and it was only going to make things worse. He didn't want to be responsible for that.

Alec looked as though he'd been slapped as the realization of what Jem was saying kicked in. He got up immediately.

"You're right, that was a horrible idea. I shouldn't have- I'm sorry." He rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, turning redder by the second. "Please don't, _say _anything about this-"

"No, of course not. I-"

"I, uh, should be going..." Alec practically ran out of the training room, almost knocking his sister over in the hallway on the way to his room.

"Hey! Something on fire I don't know about?" She demanded, straightening out her ruffled dress.

"Sorry." He seemed to be using that word a lot today, something he didn't usually do often.

"No harm done. Now get your butt in the library, we're having a meeting. Have you seen Brother Zachariah around here anywhere?"

"Jem's in the training room." He replied, then kicked himself mentally for it, willing his blush away and hoping that Isabelle wouldn't notice.

"Oh that's right, it's Jem now. Can you believe how crazy all of that was? And how _hot_ he actually is? I mean seriously-"

"I'll meet you downstairs." Alec grumbled, turning his back on his sister and heading for the lift.

* * *

Jem and Isabelle entered the library together a few minutes after Alec, who was standing by the fireplace, pacing with nervous energy.

Jem wished he wouldn't.

Isabelle sat next to him on the couch and began discussing war strategy with the others.

The Fairchild girl was sitting as close as she possibly could to Jace without touching his skin, lest she be burned.

Seeing her instantly made him miss Henry and Charlotte. It was strange being in part of a meeting like this as a shadowhunter again. He didn't know how he fit in anymore. He hadn't had a biological family in a long time, but before becoming a Silent Brother those at the institute had been his family and then after, he was part of a larger exclusive group. He'd known his place then, known how to act with the people around him, known who his friends were.

Right now, surrounded by familiar, yet distant, faces he felt more alone than he had since Will's death. At least then he'd had Tessa and the daily work if the silent brothers.

He realized everyone was looking at him, waiting for an answer to a question he hadn't heard.

"I apologize, I'm not feeling so well, excuse me."

Alec watched guiltily as Jem got up from the couch and disappeared down the hall, assuming that he was the reason for the man's discomfort.

He wanted to go after him, but was conscientious enough of the faces around him and their propensity for gossip that he waited for what he felt was a decent amount time before feigning a headache and excusing himself.

* * *

He ran into Jem in the hallway sitting outside of Alec's bedroom door, petting Church who was sitting in his lap.

They both looked up at Alec's approach.

"At least there's someone left around here who remembers me." Jem lamented bitterly, indicating the cat.

"I've never seen him being affectionate like that before." Alec looked at Church with narrowed eyes.

"He'll get sick of it soon enough. He made me chase him down to even get this much. I've no idea why he finally gave up."

"He likes to go in my room because my clothes sometimes have catnip on them from Chairman Meow." Alec indicated the door and Jem blushed, as the realization of where he was sunk in.

"Oh, I didn't realize..." His voice trailed off and the cat jumped out of his lap, twining through Alec's legs once before ambling off. Jem glared after him, getting to his feet.

"Listen, if you want to go back to the meeting I'm staying up here." Alec offered, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Oh, um no. My leaving had nothing to do with you. I just got a bit... overwhelmed is all. Everything's so different and yet the same all at once." He said, woefully.

"I imagine it's a lot to take in."

"A bit of an understatement. I didn't think I'd miss them so much."

"The Silent Brothers?" Alec couldn't imagine missing that lot. They were cold and creepy at best, not the sort of people you longed to spend your evenings with.

"The Marks." Jem ran a hand over a faint scar on his wrist. "I always had so much going on in my head, there wasn't much room for memories or mourning. There's so much silence now; so much to think about." He gaze grew distant while Alec struggled to think of something to say.

"Does the offer still stand?" Jem asked tentatively, coming back to reality.

"What off- oh." Alec caught up to the jump in conversation, eyes widening and pulse skipping a beat. "Yes." He replied firmly. That empty, nothing-feeling had already come back and it was only a matter of time before his emotions cycled back to the pain. Any distraction from that was welcomed.

Alec opened his bedroom door and ushered Jem in, locking it behind them.

The lights were off, the only illumination coming from the full, round moon shining in through his window. It was bright enough their purpose however, and neither man reached for the light switch.

Alec was sure he would lose his nerve any moment now; he may have already lost it. Now that his thoughts weren't so clouded by the events in the training room, the younger man was starting to consider that this possibly wasn't the best idea. Maybe it would only solve to make things worse, maybe-

Jem's arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him close. The first kiss was light, tentative, barely a brush of lips against lips waiting for any sign of resistance. When they found none, Jem's mouth pressed more firmly against Alec's, which opened slightly in response.

The moment for doubt and better judgment had ended and Alec let himself sink into the feeling of kissing and being kissed. It took almost an entire ninety seconds before his body was comparing the differences between his past and current partners.

Alec found it a bit strange to be the taller one for a change. There wasn't much of a height difference, but it was enough that Alec had to tilt his face downwards, instead of the usual up, to meet Jem's lips. Lips that were less experienced, but not in an entirely unenjoyable way. Where Magnus almost always took the lead, setting the tempo, pressure, intensity, Jem was letting Alec find their pace.

He wasn't sure how to at first, having always followed along, but Alec found that he quickly got the hang of it. All he had to do was pay attention. He'd developed a fairly extensive repertoire in a fairly short amount of time and, not knowing what exactly Jem liked or was looking for, tried a little bit of everything until he found the right formula: slow, deep kisses on the mouth, hard biting ones on the neck, soft kisses to the temple.

When, on a whim, he had decided to try that last one it earned him a soft moan from his partner, and a whisper of a name that wasn't _Alec_.

Jem inhaled sharply and apologized, embarrassed at his slip of the tongue. It was one thing to be thinking of someone else, but to actually say their name?

Alec was unfazed by it though.

"Don't worry about it; I could do with being someone else for a while." He granted before continuing his onslaught of kisses down Jem's neck.

Jem welcomed the permission and let himself sink back into his memories while Alec finished the task of removing his shirt that he'd started back in the training room. Once shoes and shirts were no longer obstacles for either of them, Jem allowed himself to be led to the bed.

Alec sat, kissing Jem's prominent hip bones as the man stood before him. He unbuckled the ex-Silent Brother's belt and quickly worked the button and zipper. Jem moaned as the fabric of his pants brushed against his legs on their way to the floor, feeling the cool air on his heated skin. He ran a hand through Alec's hair as he placed one leg on either side of the younger man's hips, straddling him, craving more bodily contact.

Alec's tongue tasted the soft skin of Jem's neck, nipping at the tenderness. His fingers traced faded scars along Jem's back; _iratzes _and strength runes covered the landscape. His spine felt too prominent under Alec's fingertips and again, the boy couldn't help being distracted from his actions by the thought of another.

His body went on autopilot while his brain relived the memories of Magnus in a similar position. The warlock's back was soft and smooth; his dozens of skin care products and good genes had seen to that. Alec likened it to silk beneath his calloused fingertips and basked in the feeling of it.

Alec ran his hands down Jem's sides, imagining Magnus's curves. He didn't even realize to what extent he was absorbed in his fantasy until Jem's voice, moaning something unintelligible in what Alec assumed was Chinese, pulled him out of it.

This was supposed to be helping him _forget _Magnus, not making him pine even more! Alec tried to focus on the man in front of him, the man now sucking on his bottom lip, running his hands over Alec's biceps and chest. They weren't _un_enjoyable sensations, they were just different.

He was suddenly feeling very guilty about this whole arrangement.

Jem placed a hand on either side of Alec's face and pulled back from the kiss.

"We don't have to keep going if you don't want to." He said, warm brown eyes fixed on trouble blue ones.

Alec took a deep breath, trying to collect his thoughts.

"No, I do, it's just... Not as much of a distraction as I was hoping for."

"Maybe it's not distraction you need." Jem offered, placing a soft kiss at the base of the other man's ear. "It's ok to think about him. It's not as if _I'm _going to be offended."

Alec closed his eyes, determined to try again, and pulled Jem's mouth back to his, this time giving up chastising himself at every thought of his ex.

With the guilt somewhat diminished, Alec found himself better able to enjoy what was happening. He took control again, moving Jem off of his lap and onto the bed. He lay on top of the older man, their naked chests brushing against each other as he sucked harshly at pale flesh; neck, shoulder, chest…

Jem's hand slid between them, aiming for the removal of Alec's pants, which was achieved in an instant. There was very little separating them now and they were both acutely aware of it when Jem wrapped a leg around the newly exposed hips, pulling their bodies, their groins, closer together, giving them both cause to moan.

Jem used his leverage to push Alec onto his back, growing impatient, needing to feel him soon. The boy's eyes were closed and he was breathing hard, moaning and arching into the wet kisses that were trailing down his torso.

When he reached the hem of boxers, Jem sat up and removed them before reaching over the side of the bed for the stele that was in the pocket of his discarded pants. Once retrieved, he commenced tracing the familiar pattern of the stamina rune on the inside of Alec's right thigh, his mouth teasing near where his hand drew. The younger man sucked in a breath, not expecting the drawing of a Mark in such a sensitive area, having never had the dexterity or idea to draw it there himself. He could immediately feel the effects on his body.

Jem moved up and kissed Alec's collar bone, running his tongue across the soft flesh.

Alec moaned, impatient now himself, and pushed him off, so that Jem was beneath him. He took the stele out of the other man's hand, quickly removing the last piece of clothing that was separating them.

Alec was used to drawing the rune on himself before encounters with Magnus, but he'd never been with someone _else_ under the effects of it, with another shadowhunter. He placed the stele against the skin of Jem's right thigh, mirroring his actions.

Jem reached down and stopped him before he could draw it though and moved his hand to the other leg. Alec noticed for the first time the whitish scars of past marks and traced their outline.

If Alec had been at all emotionally invested in this encounter it would have been an upsetting reminder of all the times he had obviously been with another shadowhunter; Will, presumably.

As it was, he didn't give a second thought to it. He didn't care who Jem had been with or who he was thinking about. They both had less than pure reasons for doing this and he was far beyond judging. Especially since it had been his idea in the first place.

Alec ran his tongue over the newly drawn Mark before moving slightly upwards and taking Jem into his mouth.

It'd been _so _long since Jem had felt the heat of another on him. He closed his eyes, letting himself sink into the feeling of Alec's skillful tongue and hands.

Except

It wasn't Alec's hands he was thinking of as the painfully pleasurable feeling of being prepared rippled through his body. It was not Alec's face he saw when he looked at the black haired blue eyed man kneeling between his legs, slicking himself with lube. And it was not Alec's name he moaned as he was entered for the first time in a lifetime.

Alec didn't hear though. His mind was busy being flooded by images, memories, of the last time he'd been engaged thusly. Every time Jem arched into his movements, met his thrusts, grasped at his arms... All he could see was Magnus beneath him. And to be honest, it was much more enjoyable every time the glittery warlock's face popped into his mind.

He would have felt guilty if Jem hadn't been panting Will's name in his ear every few thrusts. As it was, he let his mind wander, losing himself in the mixture of past and present in the same manner as Jem.

Their movements were growing more frantic as their pleasure built to dizzying heights. They were both deeply, and equally, caught up in their fantasies. Alec could almost hear his warlock's voice, crying out his name; could almost smell the distinct scent of sandalwood, magic, and sex that defined their encounters.

Jem wrapped his legs around Alec's waist, changing their angle and moving them both closer to their ends. Teeth sunk into neck, nails scraped against soft flesh. He couldn't help remembering hurried meetings, fast and rough, hoping Charlotte wouldn't return home early or Sophie wouldn't have a whim to clean the attic, or one of the random spare rooms the hid in.

The moment Alec's hand tangled itself in his hair, pulling hard enough to excite but not enough to hurt, he was done for. He heard his voice crying out but his words didn't register. All his mind could focus on was the immense ecstasy he was feeling.

Still in a world of his own, Alec heard Will's name, unintelligible Chinese, and curses emanating from Jem's lips as his muscles tensed in climax. Alec was close too; _so_ close. He thought of Magnus again as he looked down at the body writhing in pleasure beneath him.

And then he heard his name.

He couldn't tell whether the strangled, primal voice was real and Jem's or whether is was all in his head, but it sent him over the edge nonetheless.

He knew he cried out for Magnus, but couldn't feel bad about it. All he could feel was the dazed high of his orgasm.

* * *

He rolled off of Jem, both me lying on their backs, breathing heavily as the desire-filled fog slowly lifted from their brains.

Both of their first sober thoughts were to Magnus.

Jem was once again visited by the very probable notion that the warlock would be out for blood if he ever found out about what had just happened.

Alec's thoughts were more reflective in nature, his tryst making him realize that he didn't _want _to get over Magnus, no matter how much he told himself that he did.

After a few moments of silence Jem finally spoke.

"That was…"

"Not bad, for someone your age."

Alec was smiling when he turned to face him, surprised that the feeling of awkwardness that should be heavy in the room hadn't found him yet.

Jem laughed, glad too that the mood was light and not regretful.

"Are you calling me old?" He feigned offense at the comment.

"On the contrary. Magnus had six hundred and some odd years on you, compared to him, that was practically cradle robbing."

The men laughed, even though the mention of Magnus's name incited a small bit of pain and fear.

"Are you alright?" Jem's tone turned slightly more serious and kind as he reached across to brush Alec's hair out of his face.

The younger flinched slightly, but didn't pull away.

He thought a moment about his answer.

_Was_ he ok? Had this helped at all or had he just made things worse?

"I- I don't know." His voice broke a little and he sat up, shielding his face from his bedfellow.

"Alec, talk to me." Jem sat up as well and placed his hand on the scared back of the other man.

"I thought that this would help me get over him, help put him out of my mind, but it didn't. I haven't thought about him so much since he left that subway station." He rubbed his stinging eyes, willing the tears away.

"You should go to him, talk-"

"I can't. I don't want-" His voice broke. The young shadowhunter took a deep breath and tried again. "I don't want him to take me back. He deserves better than me. I just, I know that there's never going to be anyone better than him."

He had spent most of his life since puberty expecting that he would never truly be in love, since to do that would mean going against the Clave and putting himself in a position to disgrace his family, and he'd been resigned to it. Almost ok with it. But now that he knew how much more alive he felt when he was loving and being loved, if felt almost impossible to live without it.

"You don't think he deserves to make that decision himself?" Jem countered, knowing for a fact that Magnus did.

"He already has. _He's_ the one who left _me,_ remember? He made his choice and I have to live with that." Alec's matter-of-fact tone didn't dissuade Jem from his goal one bit.

"The world isn't as black and white as you make it, and love is the grayest area of all. You should let him know you're missing him."

"I can't. I don't want to stand in the way of him moving on, which I'm sure he already has. He shouldn't be plagued by me any longer."

Magnus had said he never wanted to see him again; the least he could do was give him that.

"I assure you Magnus never considered you a plague. And has it occurred to you that perhaps he's missing you as much as you're missing him?"

The boy was too full of self-loathing to accept Jem's arguments, but he pressed on nevertheless.

"He hasn't called." Alec offered up as proof.

Jem sighed, shaking his head while he continued to stroke the other man's back.

"The man may only be part human, but he is still endowed with pride. Perhaps he wasn't expecting you to not fight for your relationship at all. People like to know that they're worth that."

His words resonated with Alec, once they pierced through his stubbornness. He didn't like being lectured on how he was supposed to be handling things, but he also knew deep down that Jem was right. He _hadn't_ fought, at least not in any way Magnus would have been privy to. He had resigned himself almost immediately to the fact that his first, and possibly only, love had left him because he had betrayed his trust and there was nothing to be done but ache and feel the emptiness for the rest of, what was likely with Sebastian still around, to be a short life.

"Asking him to change his mind would be completely selfish. _I_ was wrong, _I_ screwed everything up; a man like that deserves so much more than an insecure, inexperienced shadownhunter. I asked so much of him and it was never enough. I kept pushing and wanting more." He let his head drop. "It was so useless. And the irony is, now I realize none of that mattered. His past, our future, none of it. All that matter was that we had each other and we were in love. And now there's just nothing."

Jem pulled him into a hug that he was surprised Alec readily accepted.

"I really think that it would do both of you good for you to tell him that. I'm not saying you should try to get him back if that's not what you want, but the least you can do is tell him how much he means to you and give your relationship a proper goodbye." Jem knew that Magnus had not moved on the way that Alec assumed. He'd spoken to him right after the incident with Jace that burned away the poison of the drug in his veins. He also knew that this was what Magnus was waiting for: a sign that he'd meant _something_ to the boy, a sign that their love was worth fighting for and not just a fleeting curiosity. He'd thought it was more, he'd expected Alec, his warrior, to fight for him, he'd told Jem as much.

But Alec hadn't.

The Lightwood was considering it now though. His selfishness warring against his desire for Magnus to be happy (which, in his mind, meant being free of Alec).

"Maybe," was as committed of an answer he could give though.

In the silence between them Church's howls could now be heard from outside the door.

Jem gave him a soft kiss on his forehead (more familial than sexual) before breaking their embrace and moving to the edge of the bed to retrieve his clothing.

"You should get dressed." He told the other man as he hurried to pull on his boxers and pants. He tossed Alec's to him and returned to the task of putting on his socks.

"Are you late for a meeting or something?" Alec half joked, wondering what the sudden rush was. The air of intimacy and vulnerability that had been there during the conversation, and before, was vanishing quickly. He buttoned the jeans and walked nearer to the door to pick up their discarded shirts, handing Jem's over.

Jem laughed.

"No, someone's coming." He cocked his head towards the door and the mewling emanating from behind it.

"It's just Church being annoying." Alec countered, though pulling on his shirt with some haste just in case.

"It's Church being helpful. He's in a rare mood today."

Jem checked his appearance in the full length mirror Magnus had insisted Alec install some months earlier. He fixed his hair and made sure his clothes didn't look as though they'd just been lying in a heap on the floor.

He walked over to Alec and helped him out with his own disheveled appearance just as they heard the telltale sounds of feet approaching.

Alec turned to go to the door but Jem grabbed his hand, stopping him.

"Wait a moment." He reached in his pocket for his stele, coming up empty, before remembering they'd left it on the night stand. He grabbed it and pulled the collar of Alec's shirt down to draw the Mark in a hidden spot that would still take away the red marks that were rapidly turning to bruises.

Alec blushed at the touch, despite their previous activities.

He returned the favor as they heard Isabelle cursing from beyond the door.

"Get off you stupid cat! Dammit. These are my favorite tights! I'm going to kill yo-"

Jem opened the door and quickly scooped the cat out of Isabelle's kicking range. She scowled at them both before registering the fact that Jem was in Alec's room.

"What's all the commotion about?" Jem asked, looking innocently at the female Lightwood who was growing to look remarkably more like her mother with each passing year.

"That damn cat. I'm convinced his previous own was the devil himself." She grumbled.

"Hmm..."

"Izz, what do you want?" Alec intervened, recognizing that this line of conversation was quickly deteriorating.

"Aline called." She reported, back to business. "Some of Sebastian's shadowhunters have been spotted not too far from here and we're planning a surprise attack. Sebastian shouldn't be there, but we're hoping it will make a tiny dent in his army and at least send a message. You need to get geared up."

Alec sighed and ran a hand through his newly combed hair, negating its effects.

"When are we leaving?" Jem asked, letting Church jump free of his grasp. The cat, having finished its watchdog job, ran in the direction of the kitchen.

"Oh, it's ok you don't have to come-"

"I'm not staying here when there's fighting to be done and lives on the line. I'm of no help to anyone _after _a battle anymore; the least I can do is try to be a help during."

Alec was surprised at the ferocity with which Jem spoke. He seemed to be more sure of his position amongst them than he had earlier.

Isabelle bit her lip, unsure of whether the ex-silent brother would be a help or a hindrance. Not that they really had the resources to refuse an extra warrior.

"I used to be a shadowhunter you know." Jem told her, reading her expression.

"Yeah but that was like a hundred years ago or something wasn't it? Are you sure you're up for it? Sebastian's shadowhunters are ruthless killers, and stronger and faster than normal ones." She explained, not meaning to sound rude.

"Then it sounds like you need as much help as you can get." Jem countered.

Isabelle sighed, resigned.

"We're all meeting in the library in half an hour to go over the plan before we leave. There's spare gear in the training room, and weapons."

Jem nodded to her and Alec and headed off to get showered and changed for the upcoming battle. The ecstatic high mixed with the still very effective stamina rune on his thigh were mixing in a way that reminded him of the moments after taking a dose of yin fin. He needed something to do, and saving the world was as good a task as any.


End file.
